I just had an "a-ha" moment!!

I have been putting lots of my energy towards stress lately. Stressing about what I'm doing in the classroom, whether or not it's good enough, whether or not my kids are liking my class, whether or not my kids are liking me.

I've accepted that this year is going to be an experimentation of pretty much everything.

But I haven't EMBRACED the supreme opportunity I have to do this experimentation!! I have what every first year teacher probably wants: the freedom to what whatever I want in the classroom (within reason) and try as many new things as possible. Wow. I am a lucky girl. :)

My freshmen are writing their own Greek tragedies and comedies today, and will be performing them next week. I've heard so many wonderful, creative ideas from them so far. I can't wait to see what they come up with. :)

Ok ok, maybe I overreacted...

After talking to C for about 45 minutes after school on Friday, I feel much better about the evaluations. C is really an amazing colleague -- who stays after school on a FRIDAY to deal with a sobbing first year teacher?? There are only 2 other females in my department (S and C) and both are graduates of SMAC! Both of them are so kind and supportive, and C is seriously my part-time therapist... I should start paying her.

Anyway, she told me that my evals were actually must more positive than I thought and that they reflected some good things to work on, which I knew already, and just needed to focus on instead of the bitter comments coming from 13 and 14 year olds. C also said that the question about respect was directed more towards the kids' peers... so they weren't really judging me, but instead judging one another. Regardless, something needs to be done about respect in my classroom.

In any event, I cried 3 more times last weekend and now have a better grip on myself. I'm excited for the extended weekend, because it will give me time to a) grade midterms... sick; b) see my sister in Philly... yay; c) internally regroup and get ready for Goal 3 (aka: marking period 3)... phew.

Thanks for the love and support everyone :)

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

I handed out school-mandated teacher evaluations to my students today. Damn, some kids are ruthless and vicious! Especially when they can be that way anonymously.

After spending about 20 minutes crying in my locked office, I've come to the acceptance that I need to use this as a tool for my own development. I didn't expect (or want) 100% satisfaction ratings, but I was honestly a little surprised. I feel that I am doing so much better this year than last year when I was student teaching. Apparently not.

Thanks to Chaz and Dee and the other fine educators of SMAC, I am always trying to be in the habit of self-reflection (hence the existence of this blog). I know I should ignore what some of the more ::ahem:: vocal students had to say about me and my teaching style, and therefore I also need to accept the fact that some things are just not my fault, such as:

1. These kids are not used to a 1st year teacher, and get pissed and indignant when I can't answer every single question, after which they render me as someone who doesn't know what they're talking about.
2. These kids are hypercritical of themselves and of their classmates, and consequently of their teachers as well (I believe is having high expectations of your educator, but let's be realistic folks). This is most likely a result of their university-preparatory environment and (many of) their home lives.
3. Teachers these days are just not given the same amount of respect as they used to.

Ok I may sound aged with #3 but I truly do believe it. In fact, as I was randomly looking for news articles to read after my sob-fest ended, I stumbled across this article.

While this article seems to focus more on a lack of societal respect of teachers, I am more concerned about the lack of respect my students are showing me. I will admit that at times, I look for a scapegoat to explain why I feel that my kids don't respect me (family values, socioeconomic class, science and math-driven students that see no value in the humanities, immaturity, etc.), but I do need to admit that I am definitely at least partly to blame. Maybe I don't present myself as someone to respect. But why is that? What is un-respectable about me? I guess I didn't really realize how bad other kids thought it was until these evaluations. (To put it in perspective... the issue in question was "Students respect the teacher" and they were asked to follow a ranking of 1-5. My average was a 3-4.) This is so hurtful and personal to me, because I try to instill in my students the importance of acceptance of others and respectful behavior. I feel that I treat EVERY SINGLE one of my students with respect. The fact that they don't respect me in return is like a knife in my heart. My chest actually hurts.

There were also some outlandish statements made that aren't even true. But again, I guess I have to chalk it up to age and semi-idiocy. And again, the fact that kids will take any chance to tear someone down anonymously.

Your first year teaching is so much harder than anyone ever tells you. Some days you think you're doing so great, and then you just get slapped in the face with people telling you that you suck and essentially need to find a new profession. This is so much more than a job. This is my heart and my soul. And I feel like they were both ripped to shreds today.

Today was bad. :(