Holy crap it's almost November.

Lolo's most recent blogpost has got me thinking about the type of teacher I am becoming after having been at my school for almost 2 whole months.

I think I'm developing a bit of intolerance towards some of my students. Because the atmosphere at school tries so hard to promote personal responsibility within the students (good), I think that hearing so many teachers' opinions about not allowing students to turn in late work, or purposely making tests extremely hard to "test" students' attention to detail is starting to make me have not only unreal but also unfair expectations of my students.

It's not that I go out of my way to prevent my students from excelling in my class. I make myself available before school and during lunch every day to meet with students if they need extra help or want to talk about preparing for an upcoming test. And I try to develop personal relationships with my students by making time every day to have personal conversations with as many of them as I can.

But I haven't been very diligent about touching base with my students when I notice that they are slipping. Because they are DCD students, they should be "personally responsible for their own actions and mistakes". A good message, no? So how does that transfer to "If they don't turn it in, it's not problem"? Why am I catching myself developing this ideology about my students?

I think I just need to be more dedicated to being more visible and available. I also need to remember that kids are kids, especially 14 year old freshmen. They are going to forget their homework, and they're going to get caught up in HS drama and extracurriculars, and sometimes they won't get their work done. I just need to find that balance between empathy and expectations. Help finding that line would be much appreciated :)

Life Doesn't Hand You Do-Overs.

But sometimes I wish it would.

Can I go back to 3 weeks ago and start over? I did the exact thing I knew I would do and the #1 thing I wanted to avoid: I started off too easy and thus am struggling to rein it back it.

I know that every class has a different chemistry, and things that work for one class won't work for another. So why did I completely ignore that fact when it came to management? I guess I wanted to be consistent and fair. But "fair" does not mean "the same"... something I am also aware of. My 2nd block is about 3 steps from being out of control, and my 4th block is almost right behind them. So I will be experimenting with my "no nonsense Ms. Steer-itude" this week. And because I don't want to create 4 preps for myself, my 3 other classes will have to deal with it.

I am the youngest teacher at my school by AT LEAST 5 years, which puts me in a personal predicament. I want to be the hip, fun teacher that challenges her students, makes them think, and makes them like history. (Isn't that every teacher's dream???) So how do I make it my reality? How do I really transpose my love of history onto my students? Or how to I entertain and challenge them with history-related material for 60 minutes every day?

I have to keep reminding myself that teaching is a process and a journey. I won't be perfect this year, next year, or ever. But I can only work towards being better every day.

I love Sundays because they become my mental-health-education-philosophy-and-spirituality days. I feel refreshed. :)

Second thoughts?

As I start to settle into the new year, I'm beginning to wonder if I am really cut out for all of this teaching stuff. I read articles and books, and think of friends that are the most amazing teachers and have such a wonderful impact on their students. I wonder if I can ever have that effect. Sometimes I feel as though I'm just trying to get through the day, instead of focusing on developing ways to truly enrich my students' lives.

I can't imagine trying to do this while having a family. My relationship is strained enough as it is. (Love you, baby. Sorry I'm such a stressed out grump lately.)

What if this isn't what I'm really meant to do with my life? What if I am a terrible teacher, and am causing my students more harm than good? What if I can't handle the stress and responsibility that this profession comes with?

Why am I having an ability crisis right now?