Life Doesn't Hand You Do-Overs.

But sometimes I wish it would.

Can I go back to 3 weeks ago and start over? I did the exact thing I knew I would do and the #1 thing I wanted to avoid: I started off too easy and thus am struggling to rein it back it.

I know that every class has a different chemistry, and things that work for one class won't work for another. So why did I completely ignore that fact when it came to management? I guess I wanted to be consistent and fair. But "fair" does not mean "the same"... something I am also aware of. My 2nd block is about 3 steps from being out of control, and my 4th block is almost right behind them. So I will be experimenting with my "no nonsense Ms. Steer-itude" this week. And because I don't want to create 4 preps for myself, my 3 other classes will have to deal with it.

I am the youngest teacher at my school by AT LEAST 5 years, which puts me in a personal predicament. I want to be the hip, fun teacher that challenges her students, makes them think, and makes them like history. (Isn't that every teacher's dream???) So how do I make it my reality? How do I really transpose my love of history onto my students? Or how to I entertain and challenge them with history-related material for 60 minutes every day?

I have to keep reminding myself that teaching is a process and a journey. I won't be perfect this year, next year, or ever. But I can only work towards being better every day.

I love Sundays because they become my mental-health-education-philosophy-and-spirituality days. I feel refreshed. :)

Second thoughts?

As I start to settle into the new year, I'm beginning to wonder if I am really cut out for all of this teaching stuff. I read articles and books, and think of friends that are the most amazing teachers and have such a wonderful impact on their students. I wonder if I can ever have that effect. Sometimes I feel as though I'm just trying to get through the day, instead of focusing on developing ways to truly enrich my students' lives.

I can't imagine trying to do this while having a family. My relationship is strained enough as it is. (Love you, baby. Sorry I'm such a stressed out grump lately.)

What if this isn't what I'm really meant to do with my life? What if I am a terrible teacher, and am causing my students more harm than good? What if I can't handle the stress and responsibility that this profession comes with?

Why am I having an ability crisis right now?

Fresh Start

I emailed P and C last night to thank them for the preparation I received through the MAC program. I truly did feel like a second year teacher as I was walking through the halls yesterday morning on my way to greet my 10th graders into a new year at school. There was a lot of heated criticism towards the program at the end of last year (yes, some of it came from my mouth), but I really and truly learned some major lessons about who I am as an educator last year, and I am so grateful.

My colleagues have even commented to me about how calm and relaxed I am. S said to me today: "I wanted to apologize for not having touched base with you so far this week and to see how you're doing... but apparently you are doing just fine. Honestly, thought you'd be more flustered and stressed." Um, so did I. :P

So far, I am loving my school and loving my kids. They seem a little rambunctuous; waiting for me to prove to them that I "have what it takes"; trying to test the limits of how far I'll let them go before reeling them back in... all that first week/new teacher stuff.

Today, I went over the syllabus and course procedures (BO-RING) and then led a discussion about what my students want out of their history class this year. We went over some good things and some not-so-good things from their previous courses, and I got a little insight into the type of things they would like to see from me and from this course.

They didn't say anything that surprised me: "We like group projects; no boring lectures; talk TO us, not AT us... etc etc etc". These are things that I already strive to do. But I wanted to let them know that I cared enough to talk about it, and that I want to make sure my class is somewhere that they can feel safe talking to each other and to me, even if that means hearing "Ms. Steer, that activity was really boring today and I didn't see the relevance to what we're learning." I'm secure enough in my ability to hear that and have a discussion about WHY it didn't reach my kids and what I can do better.

Woah, did I just say that?? Holy progression!

I've had a really successful 2 days, and I can see once and for all that I made the right choice in working at this school. Thanks God, you're always looking out for me. :)